Relationship Advice

When does it become problematic to desire a partner who is your intellectual equal or higher? After taking a look at how I vet potential partners, I can’t discern when I am pursuing company from someone I admire and respect as a way to accelerate my own personal, intellectual, creative growth from when I love them as a person—beyond their intellectual and creative pursuits.

When evaluating potential partners, do you focus solely on how they can help accelerate your personal growth, or are there other factors you consider? For instance, you find sharing interests with your partner stimulating so then compatibility would be an important value. Or perhaps you find ambition attractive and seek a partner committed to their own pursuits. It’s worth thinking critically about the values and qualities you find most meaningful, both in yourself and in interpersonal relationships. If you find that there is a discrepancy between what you value and your behavior, then that’s often when discernment becomes challenging. If you’d like to discuss this further, please feel free to schedule an appointment with me.

How to walk out of a long-term relationship that you do not want to be in anymore?

This is a hard question to effectively answer without the benefit of understanding the history and context of your relationship. Assuming that both you and your partner are overall mentally and emotionally healthy, how you end a relationship is by having an honest, respectful conversation about why it no longer works for you.
I would recommend you consider several factors prior to ending a relationship (if you haven’t already). Are you emotionally ready to deal with a break-up? Emotions can feel big and turbulent and it’s important to have processes in place to navigate them. How is your support system and are they intertwined with the relationship? Do you live together? Also, consider timing. A break-up before final review would be tough. Are you comfortable implementing boundaries? If your partner wants to stay together, are you able to maintain your decision? These considerations are by no means a deterrent, but quite helpful in navigating a life transition.

My partner is not an architect. I know they love me, but I’m worried there’s an essential part of me they’ll never understand. Is there anything to this, or is it just silly architecture exceptionalism?

There is nothing silly about inquiry at all and I often have these conversations. I would ask if you’ve identified precisely what that essential part is. Is it that your partner doesn’t understand the drive of creative pursuit? Is it the considerable time commitment? Do you feel that they don’t know you or isn’t capable of knowing you? I would unfortunately need more information however it’s been my experience working with artists and creatives that their partners don’t necessarily need to be in the same field. Successful relationships are often where each partner has their own thing, are secure within themselves and intentionally devote time to the relationship.

How to not be with situationship?

Do you find yourself fixated on a specific “situationship” or are you generally drawn to that type of arrangement? If you genuinely prefer situationships as a relationship dynamic and you’ve communicated your intentions clearly with your partner, who consents to the arrangement, then by all means, embrace it and enjoy the experience.

If the fixation is specific and you’re finding that the arrangement is no longer satisfactory, then it’s recommended that you shift your focus to you. I’d need to know more about how you define obsession and how that is showing up for you. I’m wondering though if you’re ruminating on what the other person thinks and is feeling. My recommendation would be to focus on what you can control, which is you. Connect with your support systems, do the things you enjoy, pay attention to your feelings and honor them. Be very clear on why this obsession doesn’t work for you and focus on how you want to feel.